give yourself a break.....by Jess

I'm cross posting from my personal blog today.

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People used to call me a know-it-all.

They probably still do, actually, just not in the same manner they did years ago. It's different, saying that to a 10-year old than it is to a 33-year old mom of four.

Back then, it applied. I have always been a voracious reader, inhaling knowledge from anyplace there were words. I'd read cereal boxes, the back of shampoo bottles, a book about insects, an encyclopedia, the Babysitter's Club. I have a weird brain in that it retains ridiculous snippets of information, tucking them away for future recall. I can remember my phone number from when I was in 5th grade.

I read something, and it sticks.

So I tend to have a lot of information, about a lot of random things, inside my head. I also don't like to be wrong. Actually, I hate to be wrong. So much so, that if I'm uninformed about a particular topic, I will say absolutely nothing because I'd rather be silent than incorrect. 

Unfortunately, parenting tends push those boundaries, daily. Because there's no way to be correct about other people, all of the time. Yet, as parents, we're expected to do the right thing by our children, to raise and steer and nurture them in a manner that befits going out into the world as capable adults.

I have four children. They are all completely unique, random, surprising individuals whose characteristics and traits seem to change on a daily basis. All the stuff I knew with my first kid rarely applies to the second kid, which doesn't apply at all to the third kid, which goes completely out the window with the fourth kid. I'm pretty sure if I had a fifth kid I'd stick him in a corner with a basket of supplies and wait for him to raise himself. Because sometimes this many-kid parenting thing makes me feel about that capable.

I can't be correct all the time, or even all that often, as a parent. What works today may not work tomorrow. What I know today, to be absolute truth, may become negligible tomorrow.

Moms put a lot of pressure on themselves. A LOT. And not just because of all the other moms out there judging us. Yes, when you go to the store and your kid has a fast food bag in his lap, some mom will probably be judging you. But I can guarantee that her judgment of you is way less significant than your judgment of yourself.

See, if you don't give a rat's ass about that fast food bag, then you won't care at all that another mom is making broad judgments about your parenting based on said bag.

I used to worry about what people thought. And then I lost everything, realized many people tend to be shallow, undependable assholes, and changed my priorities quite a bit. I no longer care what people think when my baby is sitting in the Target cart in a fleece sleeper at 10 in the morning, rather than being dressed in regular clothes. Because my reasons for that kid being in a sleeper are completely unknown to those people. I know that they don't have a clue about my life. They don't have a clue about my kids. They don't have a clue about me.

They don't know that my sleeper-clad kid has a huge host of sensory issues and can't handle being cold, that she has circulation problems in her feet, and sitting in the cart without really warm clothes causes her feet to turn blue. They have no idea that I choose to put my kid in a sleeper because I know that if I don't, I'll have to give her a warm bath when we get home just so her legs get pink again. They don't know that she can't wear shoes because of her leg and foot issues, and that a sleeper is the only way to keep her bottom half warm on cold days.

They don't know that super-windy days cause my kid to go into sensory overload, and that a sleeper is tightly woven enough that I can shield her face from the wind and not have to worry about the rest of her body. They don't know that I was up most of the night last night because one of my older kids had a nightmare, that the baby who looks adorable in her infant carseat is actually a heinous, screechy mess at 3am almost every night.

People at the store who are judging me for my sweatpants and baseball cap have no idea that I look like that because before I got to the store I'd spent an hour at the gym, running around the track trying to sweat out my stress and burdens. That I spent a half hour in the weight room trying to strengthen my core because otherwise my back might keep going out and then I'd have to have surgery to fix the problems. They don't realize that I had to stop at the store in my workout clothes because my toddler has an appointment at a specialist because she's almost two and doesn't yet walk, and that if I didn't stop right at the moment I might not make it the rest of the day, and then the toddler would have to wear diapers two sizes too small.

People might look at me and see a shlumpy mom, babies still in pajamas, and assume that I'm too lazy to do anything with myself or dress my kids properly.

But people don't have any idea what my life is like. And I know that.

I know that they're clueless, so I don't give a flying shit that they might be judging me. People can only have control in your life that you allow them. If you are making decisions about yourself, your children, and your responses to things based on the fact that people might have something to say, then you're allowing clueless people to make decisions for you.

There's an old AA saying.  "Don't let others live in your head rent-free". (I'm paraphrasing) Basically, when you carry resentments, judgments, preconceived notions around in your head, allowing them to influence your thoughts, feelings, and choices, then you're allowing someone else control.

Personally, my life is out of control enough with four kids and all their corresponding chaos. I don't need someone else having any say in how to handle things.

Moms just need to let up on themselves.